Success Story of a Psychologist - Hema Sampath Speaks !

Ms.Hema Sampath

HELLO,PLEASE INTRODUCE YOURSELF!

I'm Hema Sampath, practicing Psychologist in Bangalore.

I run my own clinic 'Regenerating Lives' in BTM layout, Bangalore.

I have done my Masters in Psychology and Diploma in counselling.

I'm happily married to Mr.Sampath, Businessman in Bangalore.

I have 2 sons.

Adithya who s working in a leading Software company and Ananyan who is in 12th standard now. 

WOW! TELL US ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD,SCHOOLING, COLLEGE& YOUR FAMILY!

I was born and brought up in Chennai & in an extremely Orthodox family! 

(Extremely Orthodox to an extent where we never ate outside food at all & no onion , no garlic till date)

I did my schooling & college in Chennai. I pursued my B.com in QueenMary's college , Chennai.

My father (Late)Mr.Ranganathan had his own printing press in Chennai and my mother Ms.Suguntha is a Retired Senior Clerk in NKT school, Chennai. 

I have one elder sister Vasundhara who is a Beautician and settled in Salem with her family.

I grew up with my grand parents in childhood.

YOU SAID YOU GREW UP WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS! NOT EVERYBODY GETS THAT CHANCE. CAN YOU SHARE YOUR MEMORIES!

Yes,You are right! I was very lucky & blessed to grew up in a joint family.Both Grandparents were in Chennai. I would rather say that is what helped me to accept or laid a strong foundation  to enter a big joint family after marriage.

I realized Joint family is not that easy the moment I entered as Daughter in Law. (she laughs)

As a grand child, I was treated as a Queen in joint family.

I grew up with my both side cousins throughout.

My paternal grandfather was an Auditor in those days. He had hearing problems so he wouldn't speak much but rather I would say that he was a REALIZED SOUL.

He knew everything about spirituality, God, Poojas & Customs. That's where I learnt 'Empty vessels only makes more Noise'

My paternal grandmother was also equally an excellent person.

She taught me so many things which I'm realizing now being in this profession.

CAN YOU SHARE ONE SUCH INSTANCE?

Yes! She used to give her nice sarees to outsiders through window.

I was around 12yrs old that time. I asked her "why do you give your nice sarees to others? Why can't you keep it?"

She  said, we should give our extra things to others. whats the purpose of this clothes? It is to protect ourselves. What is the point of giving torn clothes to others? You should give things to others when it is in usable condition.

According to her, it is enough if you have four to five dresses. she says there is no point in accumulating clothes. You don't have time to wear and no use of that.

Give it to people who are in need and who doesn't have one!

From then on, every 6 months I refresh & clean my wardrobe. I buy only what I need and I give it to others. I use my things better now.

WHAT MADE YOU UNIQUE IN YOUR FAMILY?

My father inculcated the habit of reading in me. I'm an voracious reader.From childhood, I used to read all legendary Tamil novels which slowly made me move to OSHO and Jiddu Krishnamurthi. 

Those books gave me immense satisfaction and I started treating people as people from that time.It widened my perspective.

Radio and Books are my life. I talk less and listen more. I'm more of an Observant person.

There was a big recuse in my family because of my interest in OSHO. 

They cannot accept my thoughts because it contradicts with our tradition. They threw away all my books one day. I did not talk to my dad for 6 months for this.

My dad used to tell me that "You are deviating from our culture".

HOW DID YOU HANDLE THIS CONFLICT? 

I did not rebel and at the same time I did not change. I just kept on following my way. I also like my tradition but I'm inclined more here.

I wanted a reason behind traditions which these people did not give me because they themselves do not know it.

I was seen as a different person in my family.

HOW DID YOUR MARRIAGE HAPPEN? IS IT LOVE OR ARRANGED?

Mine was a proper arranged marriage. I had told my dad only 3 conditions.

1. I will not work after marriage. I want to focus on my family more.

2. I would see only ONE guy and I would go with him. No business of seeing multiple guys. You people can do all filter before you get it to me.

3. Marriage should be very simple marriage in a temple unlike my traditional 3 days grand marriage.

I was very assertive in these conditions and I told them that its my duty to nod head for marriage and your duty to search the right guy for me.

HOW WAS YOUR TRANSITION TO BANGALORE AFTER MARRIAGE?

This house is not completely modern but there was a good influence of Bangalore culture here. They are also in joint family.

I did not know the difference between Toor dal and channa dal. 

I'm very new to Kitchen. Though I was born & brought up in joint family, in my house I had not entered the kitchen. 

My In laws were typical 'IN LAWS' and I had to go through the tough phase initial days.I learnt cooking here. Though I had known the various other house departments, cooking was new to me.

They expected me to take the task from Day1 and I was not able to do it initially.

My Mother in Law realized that I cannot do it and she slowly gave me small small works.

IT WASN'T A SOFT TRANSITION AT ALL! 

Responsibility was entrusted on me all of a sudden.

1year it took to GET SET!

TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR IN LAWS

My Mother in Law came at the age of 19 from Papanasam, village in Tamilnadu to Bangalore with her husband.They have 3 kids. My Husband, My Sister in law, my Brother in Law.

My Father in Law was very innocent person and she was the main pillar of the family.My Mother in Law is such a meticulous lady , very clean, perfect, tidy, setting up things, dressing up well, planning for cooking, preparing for cooking, managing house.

She will do detailed analysis even for cooking. 

She feels that being a house wife she deserved to be respected. She will say that I'm the one who is doing all the works & why I should be treated less? Even till date, she does all her works by herself.She guided my Father in Law throughout his life.

Those days she used to take my Father in Law to city market and purchase vegetables in bulk, come and sell here in MICO layout Bangalore for her extra financial needs.

I used to wonder who taught that 19yr old village girl all this, her qualification being just high school grade.She got her own house in Bangalore later and educated 3 kids and brought them up well.

MY MOTHER IN LAW IS MY ROLE MODEL.

TELL US MORE ABOUT YOUR KIDS UPBRINGING.

As my mom was a working lady, me and my sister used to depend on our grand parents after we come from school. Nobody used to be there in my house to open the door even.

In those days fridge was not there, so we had to rely on my mom for newly cooked food. We faced lot of practical issues and I accepted it.

All these things made me take an oath that I should be there for my kids when they grow up.

By the time my 2nd kid was born, we separated and became a nuclear family due to family issues.

My husband had to travel to lot of places for business so I had to manage my kids alone.

HOW HARD WAS THIS SEPARATION PHASE FROM JOINT FAMILY?

Nobody was there to support physically and financially.We had to start from square one. I faced lot of practical difficulties and it made me more smart.

SO, WHAT NEXT?

As kids started growing, then came next Question, What next?

I decided to study more as Studies was only my strength.

I opted for distance education and did B.Ed with Manipal University. I got Gold medal in that and that gave me confidence about myself again.

During that time somebody told me that there is a course for Diploma in Counselling through Distance Education.

I convinced my husband to take care of kids during weekends and I went for contact classes. Then I realized that this is my strength and this is what I should be doing. I further continued to do Masters in Psychology through Distance Education to Qualify myself more in this field.

YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE HAVE SAME TASTE & CHOICE?

Ahh! No, Not at all. I'm very people oriented and he is very reserved type. He doesn't have much friends at all. He is a kinesthetic learner and I'm a Audio Visual learner. He doesn't go out at all. He doesn't like to travel. But I love nature and I like to observe things.

So till date, I haven't been much outside. I will not say he has not taken me out at all. But You can count the number of travels we had. I had to push and push to make things happen.

HOW ARE YOU MANAGING THESE DIFFERENCES? WERE YOU NOT DISAPPOINTED?

I UNDERSTOOD & ACCEPTED his nature. I did not get disappointed. 

He hardly attends social gatherings. Relatives started asking me 'where is Sampath and why he didn't come?'. I used to tell & manage them that he is busy, he has work but I ensured that I attend that function. I did not fight with him rather I learned to manage the situation.

I FOCUSED ON THE SOLUTION RATHER THAN THE PROBLEM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK AS PEOPLE LOVING PERSON WHEN YOU SEE PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY DON'T GET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER?

I tried to talk to them or get along but did not happen. I didn't force them. I felt that if those family relationships are there, it would be good and nice but it need not be same for them. So, I accepted the differences.

WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT YOU TILL DATE?

My Spiritual evolution ! My grandmother used to tell me this. Are you ready to go if God comes and calls you now?

My answer is : Yes, I'm ready. I know my family will run without me and till date whatever done I have done with utmost satisfaction. So this is enough. Such a detachment I have.

It is a form of Spiritual evolution I would rather say.

HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH KIDS?

My elder one is like his father- sentimental, introvert. Younger one is like me.

WHAT IS YOUR STRENGTH?

I would just leave my thoughts, mind here in my clinic as psychiatrist when I go home. I would go there as just Hema. 

I forget what people talk or hurt me. I don't even remember what I tell them.

WHAT IS YOUR WEAKNESS? 

When people don't understand me, I get little upset. They all think I'm a stubborn, arrogant person but I'm a very clear person.

This may be because of my profession.

WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE FOR LADIES WHO FACE THIS TYPICAL "IN LAWS" PROBLEMS?

Understand, Become and Accept others what they are. These are the two very important things for women. We as women shift ourselves from one family to other family. Residues of our birth family should not remain here then the plant will not grow well.

A lady who can follow this can live in any circumstances in any family.

WHY ONLY WOMEN SHOULD UNDERSTAND & NOT MEN?

Understanding I don't mean to say 'Go Submissive'. Understanding is to get more clarity and will help to be assertive more.

Lack of understanding will become arrogance & stubbornness!

YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU SHOULD GET ALONG WITH THE AVAILABLE PEOPLE AND NOT AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE. 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER IN YOUR LIFE?

I feel I would have known this field 'Psychology' earlier in my life. Other than that no major regrets because I take decisions in my life with clarity and understanding. I don't feel bad or think much about once the decision is taken.

I utilize available and given things to the best at all points and phases of my life.

MANY PEOPLE DON'T HAVE THIS CLARITY? HOW TO GET THIS?

Know what is your ability. I mean Ability as "Purpose or Goal".Know what you are meant for! What is your potential -either acquired or imbibed. Plan what all is required to reach that.How many years 

you need to reach that Goal, what all investments you need (Time,Energy, Qualification,Skills,Mind) 

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO 'HAVE IT ALL'- (WORK LIFE BALANCE, CAREER, ROMANCE, GOOD KIDS, PEACE OF MIND, MONEY, STRESS FREE LIFE)?

Yes, 100% Possible! Its all as Give and Take!You cannot keep on receiving and remember you need to give too.

You need to invest equally in all departments.

HUSBAND-WIFE CONFLICTS?

First 5years of the marriage is the Foundation. Second 5years of the marriage is the Groundwork!

After that I assure you that your husband will be & is yours for the next 50years. Blindly Investment your first 5years of marriage life to your man. Men basically by nature are dependent on women.

This is the root cause of Mother in Law -Daughter in Law problem.

A mother has invested 30years of her life on her son. He has been believing his mom more than anyone else so far. Suddenly he cannot leave her and listen to his wife. 

This is what our Grandmothers were doing those years.

So ladies , Understand this and be Smart!

BIOLOGICAL AGE FOR WOMEN CONTRADICTS PROFESSIONAL GROWTH? HOW TO BALANCE THIS?

Doing in parallel both is sheer SMARTNESS!

Don't delay marriage at the same time Don't leave your studies or Career! 

I'm seeing cases where ladies as Managers at the age of 30+, IIT-IIM, not yet married. They say 'Hema, Im feeling lonely & suicidal. I have got money but not happiness. I missed my age and the right match'

You can delay kids but not marriage.

Depression of not having kids is better than loneliness of not getting married.

If you delay your marriage, later what happens is the purpose of marriage gets compromised. Having Companion is the real purpose.

Accepting to live with another human being as a companion is what is the purpose & success of the marriage.

WHY ARE MEN NOT SO STRESSED IN FAMILY MATTERS (KIDS, SCHOOL ETC) AS WOMEN ARE?

It's just what women have taken it on them. They don't go for sharing model.

WHAT IF MEN ARE NOT READY FOR SHARING?

Hire people to do the work! Have an agreement or understanding with your spouse. Both should handle it. 

WHAT IF THE PLACE LIKE IN UNITED STATES WHERE HIRING IS NOT POSSIBLE?

Then why do you want to work? To whom are you proving your ability by doing so much work?

SINGLE EARNING IS NOT ENOUGH?!

Then talk to your husband that 'if you are expecting me to go and earn,then share these household things with me!' Have a discussion.

Discussion solves majority of the issues not Expectation!

BLOGGERS END NOTE:

Thank You Hema for such a wonderful eye opening Interview and we learnt a lot through this!

Readers! If you want to talk to Hema more, You may contact her at the below link

https://www.practo.com/bangalore/therapist/hema-sampath-psychologist